Monday, 4 August 2014

Raya 2014 - Something Borrowed


How's your raya everyone? Harap-harap semua enjoy raya...
Alhamdulillah Ramadhan and Syawal this year membawa sangat-sangat-sangat banyak hikmah, pengajaran dan macam-macam  lagi untuk aku.

Too many things happened in these few weeks, which were totally bring me up and down...

It started with a very good news on 25 Ramadhan (23 Julai 2014), for the first time, my UPT shows me a positive result. Happy with that news, I immediately called my husband and he couldn't be the most happiest person on earth hearing that news.

On 29 Ramadhan, I drove my sister's car all alone, 3 hours journey to my in-laws house, just to celebrate my first Raya with them, although without my husband along. It were all good and I did enjoy my Raya with them. On early morning 3 Syawal, I drove back to my house in Terengganu to continue my Eid celebration with my family. Full house, except for my husband, of course. On that night too, I actually find out something inside my body which, another story that I cannot write it here.

On 6 Syawal, I realized there's a brown spotting but I just take it easy as it's a normal thing happening to any early pregnancy. On 7 Syawal, again, another brown spotting, but this time a little bit fresh red colour was there too. So, my emak advice me to seek for medical help, to clinic we went then.

At the clinic, scan semua, and turned out my uterus looks like normal, like no sign of pregnancy. So, the doctor asked me for another pregnancy test at her clinic, which turned out positive too. The doctor asked me if I wanted to refer my case to GH to find out what is happening. The main concern was Ectopic Pregnancy (Kandungan luar rahim). But I refused, and decided to wait and see since I have no symptoms of having an Ectopic pregnancy.

Today, 8 Syawal, as I woke up from my sleep for Subuh, I realized my lower stomach was a little bit cramp, and there's a flow like my normal period flow came out. I called my husband, and the only thing I said was "Baby macam dah xde je", and the rest of a 5 minutes call was just he hearing me cried. Tell me I'm too dramatic, I couldn't care less. 

After half an hour, the cramp became worst, and my emak again, advise me to go to the hospital. So my emak, Awa, and my sis in law Kak Yaya brought me to Emergency Department KTS. They referred me to O&G Specialist. My lower stomach was very, very uncomfortable that time, it feels like a normal period cramp (which I always had severe), but worst than that. I was the first one being called to enter the doctor's room because I was in pain. The specialist scanned my stomach, this time a little bit longer than the previous one I had in clinic. Only after that I knew that my baby was actually gone. My baby was at 5 weeks 5 days today. I know it is still not a real-looked baby but still, it is potentially a baby.

Sad? Yes.
Dissapointed? Yes.
Regret? Yes.
Cry? Yes. A lot.

Tell me how I should feel. I don't care. I am the one who are going through this. And all of these, I went it through without my husband around to hug, to share what I feel. The only thing I can do is telling my husband on the phone, which I must be grateful because he is still there with me even though we are just too far away.

Regret is not a good thing to feel right now. But deep inside, yes I am regretting some things that I have done. I might do too much things that could harm my pregnancy. I might be overtired but I didn't rest well even if I knew I should. I travel a lot and move a lot and play a lot like a normal person even though I know I was pregnant, maybe I should get more bed rest. And many more things I did. But I know above all the things, Kun Fayakun. If Allah wills it, it will happen. I believe in Allah's plan.

Whatever it is, may Allah give me and my husband the strength to go through this, and may our pintu rezeki is opening wide for us after this, InsyaAllah.

Thanks to my family, emak especially for taking a good care of me while my husband not around, and to my husband too for supporting from far. I couldn't feel grateful more to Allah for having these people around me. Alhamdulillah.

And thanks Allah for borrowing me a baby for 5 weeks and 5 days. At least it gave us happiness only You know how it feels, even for a short time. Alhamdulillah.

p/s : I'm sorry husband for being careless...


1 comment:

  1. anna, its not ur fault.
    peyjo will understand..
    pantang elok2


thank you very muchooo!

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